Halifax is great. I haven’t felt like I have ever had more fun with such a big, loving group of people before in my life. But I’ve totally got an itch. I’m unsatisfied with my life. Mostly because I can’t support myself independently, which I know is something that I value and makes me happy. I feel so much more amped applying for jobs that are. not. here. I think this is a sign. This is a sign that I’m craving something more. There is just absolutely so much more to see, everywhere. I constantly dream up new ideas and places to go and what I want to there. I really am getting to the bubbling point of just fucking going anywhere. Starting it off and taking it from there.
Money is holding me back a bit. I’m pretty broke right now, but at least not in a lot of debt like so so many others of the same age. So lucky, actually. I’d hate to go somewhere and then be calling back home to get myself bailed out. I just want to go and be free somewhere. Be myself. Do something new. Eat something new. Be someone new.
I want to write another post entirely about the Otesha experience. I wish I had kept a regular blog of what I was doing and feeling the whole time. I do have a journal at least. It felt like such an accomplishment to fill an entire Moleskin. Started in June 2011. I’m so glad I have it. So much about myself changed in that notebook. But still, theres so many stories I have that still need to be written down. I really need to stop worrying about perfection. I want to have the perfectly composed chronicle of everything I do, but I’m realizing that is not going to come with out just writing for the fuck of it and not worrying about this high standard of quality. Things can be edited. This is what I keep telling myself.
I think that one thing that holds me back from blogging is determining where that line is between writing about my life and developing my skills and giving too much away about the people I’m connected to and exposing them and myself to a point where I would regret it. I guess thats the challenge behind putting your own self as the author of a blog instead of some internet persona. I need to figure it out as I go.