Does anyone else feel like this? Like they are constantly worried about what they do from one minute to the next? That every moment should be valuably spent on something worthwhile that is going to cause something positive to happen? I sometimes feel like this when I begin to attempt school work or fundraising for my trip in the fall. Like I don’t know what specific part of the big problem I should attempt to start with. I find it so easy to get discouraged these days, if something doesn’t work out on my first attempt, it may be weeks before I try to get things sorted with it again. I don’t know why I feel like every little thing I do is just such a constant struggle and something to again be procrastinated.
I always pick the things I want to do the most first. Its the easiest choice. Im guessing this is not how most productive people live their lives. They get the things that are most urgent done first, the things that are dirty and need to be done no matter what. Those icky things that are the most frequently put off. Household chores can be icky, but I seem to love them when faced with doing something that uses my brain and something that I might be judged by someone else about. Like choosing projects, participating in discussions, sending emails. Interactions with others that I want to impress are the hardest things for me to complete. Its this sense of being a perfectionist that is holding me back in a lot of ways I think. I want to have things done perfectly and to pick the project that will be the most valuable and interesting for me. These ideal choices aren’t always readily apparent, so my struggle in picking something will often deter me from doing anything at all. This is something that I have to change.
I feel like I might learn things a lot better by using physical materials, paper and pen, rather than getting caught up in copying and pasting everything. I don’t know exactly what that helps anyway. I feel like being creative and physically creating things instead of typing and clicking can really get the connections made and good ideas can come from it. I’ve been way too caught up in what technology can do and planning for the future that Ive barely been able to create anything original. This blog has been one of the best mediums for putting my true self out there and I like it. Its like being naked in public. All my thoughts are out there for the world to see and it feels refreshing. So many others do it so much more eloquently, but at least this is a step in the right direction.
I miss the adventurous feeling of stepping out my door in Seoul everyday and knowing what it was going to be like, but knowing that not many other people in the world were stepping in the same footsteps as me everyday with the same state of mind. I rarely saw another foreigner in my neighbourhood. I liked that , I guess it seems weird though. I know I’ve heard other friends of mine say the same thing before: they loved being the only white person on the bus, at that bar, in that meeting. Why do we like this? I know that I started to feel like every time I went out side my door, I was representing the rest of the world when I interacted with people there. That my interactions and experiences with them were some of the few they had ever had with a foreigner and that maybe it would be a story to tell their family when they got home that day. If I reacted badly or rudely, it would become legend of that terrible foreigner and tarnish our reputation even more so. I know this might sound a little like ‘who does she think she is? the only white person? the most important white person?’, but think for a second about how you treat foreigners in your own city. I know being back in Halifax that people are pretty racist. They get some ‘Paki’ cab driver or someone they can’t quite understand at the checkout and all you hear is about how that person shouldn’t be allowed a job if they can’t speak proper English.
Thats the person I was in another country. I know how much it can be intimidating to speak in another language and have to say something 5 times because they are not used to hearing a non-native speaker speak their language. It actually makes me feel so sad when I hear people treat those that are trying so hard to be understood in an inferior way.
I definitely moved from one topic to another there, but it does bring me back to what I started out writing about. What do I focus on? Should I be helping figure out hunger problems around the world through politics or policy studies? Should I be helping immigrants and fighting for better immigration laws around the world? Should I be educating young people around the world about health and nutrition? I need a bit of direction because there are just so many places and problems that need people to be passionate about them. Its hard to decide to do whats right or what you actually want to do. Harder to decide when you are always second-guessing what the latter is.