Struggling

I’m having such a hard time with life these days. Every aspect of life seems like a huge challenge and I’m constantly trying to figure out what I want to do. I’ve been reading a book given to me by a friend that is all about living in the Now. To not constantly be going over what happened in the past and worrying about the future. Its hard to do, but I do think it would be a better way to live if I could incorporate more of that kind of thinking into my life. Right now I guess I’m just finding it hard to figure out what my goals are. Sometimes I really think I know what I want to do with my life and other times I wonder do I want to do these things just because its what I think I ‘should’ do.

The book also talks about not depending on external factors or people for happiness. I guess that must be true as well, but I think certain places and people can inspire your mood and focus in positive ways. I haven’t felt happy here in Halifax in quite a few weeks. In Korea, I felt stagnant because of my job, but my personal life and weekend life was exciting. I didn’t really feel like I was moving forward, but I feel like I could be if I had a better attitude about things and did different things in my free time. I have this aching feeling that I want to go back there and try things out again, but I then I am worried about how I look to other people. Look at her, she went back, she needed a man, blah blah. I guess I’m the only one who really knows what I want. I was really excited about this bike tour that I am still somewhat planning for this fall, but I feel like my heart just might not be in it. I feel like I picked it to give me a goal to work towards when I was trying to get over my ex, and now I feel like I don’t want to get over him anymore. It’s hard to open yourself up to someone new, I guess.

I think I also liked being kind of isolated there. I didn’t really communicate with Koreans in Korean, so I never really got a huge insight in their lives. Maybe that is what is so hard for me to get used to here. The fact that I can communicate every little thing with everyone and they understand the nuances of every little thing that I say as well. I did have friends that were native English speakers, but didn’t speak with them everyday. Perhaps it was kind of refreshing to not have to go into every detail about things with everyone all the time.

Every time I talk about going back, its always the same answer – stay for the summer, why don’t you stay for the summer. What is the point if I am pretty miserable right now? I guess I still don’t even know what my dream job would be, but I think teaching could be alright with a better attitude on my part and maybe a different level of students. I don’t want to speculate too much about what would be better, but I know I would have to do a bit more teaching to get by if I go back. It seems fun to me in my mind now.

Its hard not become defined by what you do and what you did in the past, but it is how so many people see the world that it is usually the only way to speak with them. Theres a lot of things I could write about in regards to what I’ve been doing and who I have been spending time with socially, but this might not be the right forum to bring those things up. All I know now is that hard drugs are not my thing. Too intense, too much, paranoia. Sometimes I feel like going back to Korea just to escape it all so its not even a choice for me. Maybe its just because I’m a bit sick right now, but I honestly don’t even feel like drinking that much anymore. I actually haven’t been since I’ve been back. Minus that night I was naked in a live art display for a gallery opening – yep, I got pretty hammered, drunk enough to feel alright walking down a staircase into a room of around 100 well-dressed, well-to-people with my vagina on display for all to see. Might have been drunk that night.

 

 

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