Putting things off. A little more stressed out.

I don’t know how many times I have to try online distance education before I realize that I need structured study times to stay on top of things. My study skills are quite horrible. My focus lately has been off even more so than usual. The last time I took a distance course from Ryerson University, I was working full time and trying to have a jam-packed social life. I put things off so badly that I was scrambling to get everything together for the final exam and paper at the end and this stress affected every aspect of my life. I guess what I’m realizing is that I am one of those people who procrastinate to such a point that I can use it as an excuse as to why I don’t do so well, or not know the material well. Pretty self-defeatist attitude. This is really something that I am trying to work on this summer. If I procrastinate all the projects and goals that I have set for myself this summer, really I’ll have nothing to blame it on but myself. That is not what I want my life to look like. I want to be one of those people who succeed at the things they set their mind to.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t think I will be rushing back to Korea right away. The boyfriend that I mentioned in the previous post has been constantly at me, regretting his decision to let me go and trying to convince me to drop everything and hurry back to him. Even though I feel like its the right thing to do in my gut, going back to him right now will mean that my plans that I made to keep my mind of him will never get finished.

I have committed myself to doing a 1500km bicycle tour starting on September first. I found this opportunity when trolling for jobs on Craigslist and Kijiji. It wasn’t something that I planned at all, but as soon as I saw it, I immediately thought of how well it fit in with my future goals. What I will be doing as I bicycle through Ontario, stopping in towns along the way, is educating youth in schools about sustainability. We will be putting on workshops and performing plays about making healthy, environmentally friendly food choices and demonstrating the impact that we humans have on the planet.

It is definitely a cause I can get behind, but its terrifying to me in a few ways. Cycling? I have been on a bicycle roughly twice since I was about 10 years old. I don’t even own one yet. This might be the first step to becoming comfortable about the whole thing. Secondly, it makes me a little nervous to think about performing in front of an entire elementary school. I mean, sure, I acted like a clown in front of groups of 5-15 Korean students, but they barely knew what I was saying. I wasn’t able to understand their remarks or jokes about me if they had any. These kids that I will be in front of will be able to comprehend every word of it, and thats something that makes me feel slightly anxious. Hopefully this feeling subsides after I start getting to know the people I’ll be going with and what the play actually is.

My commitment to this project has made me feel strained in my relationship with my boyfriend. We talk almost everyday and everyday the conversation ends with him asking when am I coming back. Even though I’m nervous about things and I know its going to mean a huge life change for me to become fit enough to travel 15-75km/day on a bicycle with all my belongings packed on it for nearly 2 months, I don’t want to give up on it. I don’t want to look back and regret running back to him when I told myself I would do this.

I am trying to convince myself not to be constantly worrying about the unknown, whether the decision to go back to Korea will be the right one, will I be able to live in Korean society without my close friends who got me through so much? Will we turn out to be the right people for each other in the end? Even though we do love each other, there is not much else in common to be honest.

In addition to putting off studying and participating in my food security policy and urban agriculture classes, I have been putting off fundraising and gathering the equipment I’ll need to embark on this tour. There are only a few months between me the end results of these 2 aspects of my life. I need to make a change in my habits so the results are ones I can be proud of, and not ones of regret because of what could have been.

One thing that I’ll blame my procrastination on is the job hunt. My technique has been to try and apply for the jobs that I think not many others are applying for. This has a allotted to a few part-time, sales/promotion type gigs coming up on weekends this summer. I hope it is enough to keep me afloat in regards to food and life, but I feel like theres not going to be much of a hope to save to fund any new adventure in late fall after the bike trip. I just might have to sign my life away to teach again somewhere. Korea? China? That debate I’ll save for next time.

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